thoughts on motherhood

I was sitting in church on Mother's Day thinking, "I want to throw one of these kids over the pew".  Really sweet thoughts to have on Mother's Day, right?  But with three kids literally crawling all over me, whining, fighting, and yanking up my skirt for the 10th time, that is honestly kind of how I felt.  I  have much less tolerance for this behavior on a day like Mother's Day when they are supposed to be perfect and sweet, because it is Mother's Day for goodness sakes. 

Overall, of course, Mother's Day was lovely.  You can't go in with high expectations that your kids are going to be perfect, even if that is all you asked for.  But I loved how excited they were to give me their homemade cards, and the special things they made in school.  I loved how a week before Mother's Day I was complaining out loud that I needed a new griddle and 10 seconds later Chase said "I think I have a great idea what to give you for Mother's Day." And how excited he was to give it to me, and so proud of himself for being so clever and sneaky.  I loved how when Chase asked me "When is it kids day?"  I gave the same annoying response my parents used to give me, "Everyday is kids day."  But I get it now.  Hear that Mom and Dad?  I GET IT NOW!

Mother's Day really had me reflecting on this whole mothering gig.  Lately I catch myself in a lot of moments, looking at my kids and thinking "Are these really my kids?  Do I really have three? Three?  One is a real kid too, hardly in the "little kid" category anymore.  Am I really the adult responsible for them?"  It's a bizarre feeling that I am pretty sure I will never grow out of. 

 A month or so ago I had the thought, "I am so stressed out.  I think this time in my life is the most stressed out I have ever been."  I let that thought sink in for a minute or two then had a good little chuckle.  Because I was forgetting about all those years of college and grad school and studying for a CPA exam.  Not to mention the years of working a demanding job with long hours and real deadlines.  For the most part in my career as stay at home mom, if I really don't feel like getting something done, I just don't do it.  And sometimes I just read a book or take a nap instead.

But there was some validity in my feelings of anxiety.  Because in my college and career days, I really only had myself to worry about.  There is an increased amount of stress when you are responsible for all the needs and demands of three other human beings, whose behavior can be pretty unpredictable.  And any average task always takes 10 times the amount of time when young children are involved. 

And there is the very real stress of raising respectful, polite, kind, responsible, smart, and spiritual human beings.  Because that is a very important job.  And completely overwhelming when I sit down and think about it.   And I could talk all day about the whole fine balance of motherhood.  Balancing getting things done, and balancing spending quality time with the kids, and balancing getting some quality time of my own.   

There is a lot of talk in the blogosphere lately about giving ourselves (as mothers of young children) a break.  About how we are all doing the best we can.  About how it is ok to not spend the whole day playing with your kids, and its ok to sometimes just take a nap or read a book.  And I agree with this.  We do need to give ourselves a break, most of the time.  But sometimes I lean on this argument a little too much, reminding myself "I'm doing the best I can".  When really, am I doing the best I can?  Most of the time I can do better.  And I need to tell myself everyday to try and do tomorrow better.  But I still sometimes need a nap to be able to do my very best.