If I had to pick one quality I would like to instill in my kids, it is confidence. I feel like if they are confident, they will get through life easier. If they are confident, they are less likely to let others hurt them. If they are confident, they will be more likely to stand up for what's right. If they are confident, they will excel in school. If they are confident, it will always be easy to make friends. If they are confident, they will love themselves.
I try my best to instill this, but it's a tricky one. It's something I can teach until I am blue in the face, but it is something they need to find on their own.
I've seen Chase's confidence waiver a bit as he has now started school. He comes home with stories of trying to make friends, and of kids being not so nice. We have talks about not letting what others say affect him and about standing up for himself. But then he also insists that he is the best baseball player ever, so the kid isn't lacking too much confidence.
But Mia, oh Mia, her confidence struggles. On a scale of 1-10 in being confident outside of home, she usually hovers around a 0 to 1. I've really struggled with how to help her. I don't want her shyness and lack of confidence to keep people from seeing the fun, smart, spunky little girl that she is. I don't want her counted out or overlooked in school because she is too shy to speak up or participate.
It's also been a struggle knowing when to push and when to let her be and find her way herself. I want to get her out of her comfort zone so she can experience good things, but I don't want to push too hard and make her too uncomfortable.
We have been talking forever about signing her up for dance class. She loves music, loves dancing, and loves dressing girly. With her permission and excitement, I finally signed her up.
The thing is, I knew, knew, she would not participate. I told myself to be patient. I told myself it was ok to even let her sit back and observe as much, and for how long, as she needed.
The first class came. She was so excited to put on her new pink dance outfit, tights, and ballerina slippers. We got there early. We found a spot to park our stuff, the music started, the girls were instructed to line up. I walk her over to the designated spot and I see her confidence slipping and her anxiety taking over. She falls into a heap of tears and spends the entire class sitting on my lap. Ok, I expected this, be patient.
Week 2. Excitement, lots of pep talks about being brave, and lots of practicing the "dance moves" at home. We take our places, music starts....and its a repeat of week 1. I quickly forget my pep talks of being patient. I am frustrated. I am close to tears...ok I am in tears. I tell Mia we are not coming back. I hate that I look like a mom forcing her daughter to do something she doesn't want to do. I hate that Mia talks about dance class all week, practices diligently, is genuinely excited, but her anxiety and shyness paralyzes her ability to do something she loves and wants to do. And honestly, I am frustrated with her for not acting "normal". And I am frustrated with myself for feeling like this and for losing my patience.
After some chats with a caring friend in the class, we decide to move our girls to the next class down, where the parents actively participate. Week 3 comes. She tells me she is going to be brave. Class starts. She puts herself front and center. I see her uneasiness and apprehension. But I also see something else. A little confidence. Just a little, but it's there. She starts to falter and I see her put herself back together, regroup if you will. And with a nervous face and a tad of confidence, she is dancing. And I have never been so proud of her. And its only gotten better since. And I dare say she is one of the best and most well behaved in the class. She just has so much to offer when she can gain a little confidence.
6 comments:
totally agree, confidence is key and oh so tricky. when to push and when not to push
one tip i wished i could go back and tell myself, sometimes they just grow out of it (or i put them in too young) and sometimes they will never grow out of it (Luke!) and i'll always have to push them :) ...or at least i hope not.
you are a good mom. wish we lived closer!
She looks adorable in that teeny little leotard! I felt a lot like this with porter. I think it is a good balance in pushing and letting them take their own time. For me, I realized I also need to have confidence in him, in his process. That meant removing myself a little bit emotionally and not riding his ups and downs as his confidence ebbed and flowed. She is a sweet little thing and will find her way!
brooke - i agree with the growing out of it..thanks for the reminder. a year ago i would have never believed she would have participated in a dance class. she has made some big improvements. she may not ever be the center of attention type of kid, but she will come out of her shell more i think.
gay - i totally agree with needing to remove myself emotionally. sometimes i think i am way more upset than she is about a situation. i just need to be OK with where she is.
i agree with everyone. but what i think she needs the most is to have kate come be in her dance class. that's the confidence she needs. and i don't even dare show kate that picture or else she'll be so mad that she's not in dance. on thursday when ella got ready for tumbling, she changed her clothes into a matching outfit. poor 4th kid. there's always next year.
its crazy how so much sass and shyness can be in that tiny little body. it always baffles me how one wrong look can throw Mia overboard. but she is cute and will get that confidence. I am so proud of my little mama mia and her dance moves! miss her.
Wow, I think about this all the time with Russell. I loved that you put it all into words for me though.
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